Radical Self Care for Mothers

I know the idea of putting yourself first and making time to care for your needs brings up big feelings. You may read the term “self care” and scoff “yeah right…how can I possibly fit that in” or what I often hear is “it just feels like another thing to add to the list”. 

And yet I want to challenge you on these thought patterns and stories because the idea that self care isn’t important or that it’s only available to mothers who have help/support/money, leads to mothers who are chronically exhausted, depleted, short tempered and, often, mother burnout. 

Radical self care 
Radical self care is about taking responsibility of getting your own needs met FIRST before you attempt to take care of others (or at least at the same time). This gives you more capacity to meet the mammoth daily tasks – physically and emotionally – in motherhood, relationships and your community. 

Why we need self care Self care helps to:

• De-stress your body – lower your stress hormones

• Help ease anxiety

• Improve your concentration

• Build your self-awareness muscle

• Improve problem solving skills

• Strengthen your relationships

• Models self care to your children so they know how to do it for themselves – this alone should be reason enough to start now.

3. Have a self-compassion practice. We all make mistakes and do things we regret. Self compassion is a powerful antidote to guilt and shame. Acknowledge that you are suffering. Practice feeling it in your body. Put your hand on your heart, breathe and say “I am enough”. Repeat. And find a short Loving Kindness meditation (Insight Timer or YouTube). 

4. Honour your menstrual cycle – we have been conditioned through marketing to believe we should keep going even though we are on our monthly cycle/period. Women’s wellness wisdom knows that our monthly cycle is an opportunity to rest and go within. While we are not able to cancel everything, do give yourself permission to slow down and rest on the 2-3 heavy days of your bleed. Ask someone to take the kids after school. Practice asking for help. 

5. Find someone to speak your truth to: Practice being vulnerable. 

• I am a big advocate for psychologists/therapistswhen budget allows. Get a mental health plan from your doctor if you are feeling anxious, consistent rage or depressed. There is no shame in seeking mental wellness.

• Listening time – find a friend that is willing to hold space with no judgment, no advice and confidentiality.

• Women’s circles – a space to speak truth, be heard, be witnessed and to feel healing. (I hold Mama Circles on the Central Coast – search Alita Blanchard and you’ll find me).

6. Dance and play – as adults we can easily take life too seriously. And yet the greatest healing for both children and adults alike comes from play and joy and movement. 

Make a playlist on Spotify. Dance with your kids. Dance alone. Play silly games. Charades. Chase. Challenges. Rumbling. Competitions. If you have to, fake it till you make it. Many adults feel shame come up when they play. Many of us as children were told to “stop being silly”. And so we did. Shame built. Heal that wound. BE SILLY. 

7. Gratitude and affirmations – do it for yourself and model it to your children. I do this a few times a week in the car on the way to school. The boys sometimes ignore me but I know it’s accessing their subconscious. And after a tough morning, it can really bring me back to some calm.
“I am grateful for…..”

“I am – present/calm/unique/resilient/determined /loving /kind/brave….”

8. Find some time for creativity just for fun. Paint. Garden. Bake. Color. Draw. Sing. Write. Journal. Make mandalas in the sand. Try a local class, book it and actually go. 

9. Hot drink and hold it in two hands – make your favorite hot drink and sit outside in the sunshine or under a tree, no book, no phone, just soak in the present moment. 

10. And finally – give yourself grace. We all mess up. We all hit our edges and do or say something we regret with our child. Shame or blame perhaps. Yell and rage. Punish. Whatever is a part of your own childhood, will often come up in your own parenting when your cup has not been filled. Use these moments to:

• 1. Practice self forgiveness – you are human. We are messy. We all carry wounds.

• 2. Reconnect and repair – if you yelled, raged, shamed etc, take some time out to breathe and calm your nervous system. Then reconnect with your child. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I wasn’t caring for myself well and I lost my temper. Can we start again? I love you.”

• 3. Use this momentas a reminder to give yourself radical self care. What are your unmet needs? What do you need in this moment? How can you do that?