Shining a Light on a Mother’s Anger and Rage
Almost every mother experiences anger. Almost every mother acts on feeling angry during challenging moments. Many mothers experience it deeply as yelling, screaming, adult tantrums and sometimes even physical harm such as smacking/spanking or other intense physical expressions that can be frightening to both the child AND the mother.
Yet, not many mothers talk about anger in motherhood or what they can do about it. There is a lot of shame around feeling anger and rage.
I want to shine a light on this very common experience within motherhood. If you are often caught in cycles of anger, rage and then guilt and shame, there are constructive steps you can take to grow and, in time, soften your anger response.
First, please know you are not alone and you are NOT a bad mother.
Anger is a common and healthy human emotion that, when listened to, can tell you when a boundary has been crossed or that you have needs that have gone unmet. Anger can bring our attention to a need for change or growth in our lives.
Rage is a state of uncontrollable anger and can feel frightening and intense for us and those around us. It might look like a screaming match with a partner, verbal abuse and screaming at a child, or it could be physical aggression that hurts another person.
WHY DO WE FEEL ANGER AND RAGE SO DEEPLY AS MOTHERS?
Many mothers are overburdened with responsibility – trying to do too much for everyone else and not meeting their own needs.
As modern mothers, we are raising our children in a society without a village of support, an intense mental load, often a lack of healthy family support, huge expectations on our role in mothering as well as many roles on our plate – mother, wife, homemaker, business starter, nutritionist, nurse, teacher, part time study, community carer, administration, helpful friend – and the list goes on.
Self care can quickly disappear in the early months of motherhood, and for many mothers it never returns. Healthy meals, exercise, sleep and connection with friends can feel like long lost dreams. It doesn’t take long before a new mother feels physically and mentally depleted.
WE NEED TO FEEL OUR FEELINGS
To be human is to feel. To be a fully expressed human is to express our emotions, and yet so many mothers do not feel safe with their anger or with their childrens’ anger.
You may feel guilt, shame or fear when you express anger and rage. Maybe it is because as a little girl, your anger likely wasn’t accepted, acknowledged, or it was shut down. Perhaps you had angry caregivers who yelled, screamed, smacked and shamed you. When you notice yourself repeating the same cycles, guilt, shame and fear can arise.
Similarly, when your children or partner express anger you might feel fear and even terror. Or like others, go into a “freeze state” and shut down emotionally.
All of these feelings and responses are actually quite common. These are signs that there are feelings that have been deeply suppressed over time, and are needing to be released.
WHEN YOU FEEL TRIGGERED OR ACTIVATED
So many parents have suppressed emotions from their childhood that start bursting out in parenthood. This often starts in the toddler years. That sweet baby suddenly becomes a moving mini being full of frustration, anger, discovery, joy, messiness and often, big feelings or ‘tantrums’. Their full emotional expression (which is healthy and developmentally appropriate) can trigger or activate anger within you that you didn’t even know existed.
How anger shows up
Snapping constantly
Gritted teeth
Grabbing a child roughly
Yelling
Screaming
Shaming your child
Breaking and throwing items
Hitting children/smacking / spanking
These triggers are very real and can feel scary both to the child AND the parent.
Your healthy anger can be a powerful catalyst for change and growth. You do however need to find more safety for our anger - both within your own body and within your home - so it is not being directed at your children. Frequent rage is a sign that it is time to make some changes now.
It is better to express emotions rather than suppress them. Suppressing feelings of anger increases nervous system dysregulation and can lead to chronic shut-down, freeze and even burnout.
“Well if only they would listen to me, I wouldn’t need to get this angry”
I know it can feel like “If only they would listen, I wouldn’t need to get so angry and scream”...and also, there is often a wound within parents around not being heard as children that needs to be looked at here. This is the deeper healing work of conscious parenting.
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU FEEL ANGER AND RAGE RISING?
Slow everything down and bring in some awareness. This takes practice. It’s like building a muscle. We are all wired differently and need a variation of calming or ‘regulating’ tools. Take time to learn what works for you, and what doesn’t.
Here are some recommendations to soften anger and rage:
Notice your feelings, practice awareness, and slow down your breath. Focus on your exhale and recenter into your parenting values and intentions.
Sometimes mantras can help like:
“I am the adult here - I can practice another way”.
“This is not an emergency”
“This will pass”
“Staying present right now is my most important work today”
Leave the room. Create a moment of space for yourself to cool down. Say “I am feeling angry and I need to take some space.”
Let it out – Scream or roar it out (in a safe space alone) - feel the rage and scream it all out. The car is great or into a pillow or the washing pile. Scream, yell, curse and express. Writing out your feelings can also be a great method of release for some.
Find a person to listen to your feelings and hold space with empathy - listening partnerships are a powerful tool for parents and I highly recommend having 2-3 people you can voicenote or call on the hardest days who can listen without judgement or advice (and yes it can feel hard to find these people)
Learn about nervous system regulation and how to build flexibility and capacity in your body to feel your anger.
Find a therapist or counsellor who you resonate with, who you feel safe to be yourself with and who you can download your feelings to.
Consider local or online Mothers Circles or programs to take you on a growth journey. A good Circle facilitator or Parent Coach is someone who helps you to feel supported, safe, seen and soothed.
RADICAL SELF CARE / NERVOUS SYSTEM CARE IS VITAL
Meeting your own needs as a mother is critical to your physical and emotional wellbeing. You can start meeting your needs with more rest, movement, extra water, reducing sugar, setting boundaries, reducing screen time, taking a social media break, mindful breathing before bed, asking for help, nutrient dense food, better sleep hygiene and slowing life down. I know some of this can feel near impossible at times, but there are always solutions. Just pick one and start there.
RAGE COULD BE UNPROCESSED GRIEF THAT NEEDS TO BE EXPRESSED
If you frequently experience rage, you may need to start processing past grief. Many mothers carry layers of grief. This could be grief for babies that you have lost, old friendships, your life pre motherhood, family relationships that have changed, parents who have died, a childhood you wish had been different, lack of support and community and more.
This grief needs to be expressed, witnessed and felt in order for it to soften and have a less detrimental impact within your everyday mothering.
MENTAL HEALTH CHECK IN
If your anger goes to rage regularly, it may be time to consider further support to heal deeper wounds under that rage. Seeing a psychologist, counselor or therapist is a great place to start to make sense of your feelings and parenting past. Find someone you feel safe to express your vulnerable moments with. Education, podcasts and workshops are good for understanding yourself more. Finding a supportive space to be heard might also be through parent coaching, mothers circles, listening time and emotional release work.
If you are aware that you have significant trauma and complex triggers like grief, anxiety, childhood, trauma or abuse, starting with a mental health specialist can be an impactful start to healing from anger and rage. I suggest finding someone who is trauma informed or trauma trained in modalities such as Somatic Experiencing.
STEPS TO HEALING YOUR ANGRY OUTBURST
So you have yelled, screamed and raged at your child. Now what!
One of the most beautiful gifts of conscious parenting is learning the power of Rupture and Repair. This is modeling a true apology to our children. Here are the steps to repairing with your child:
Self-compassion – Remind yourself that you are a human and we all have tough moments.
Awareness – Be aware that a rupture has happened.
Reconnect – Connect with your child. Soften your words, voice and gaze. Open your heart to empathy.
Repair – Make a repair “I was feeling angry and I lost my temper. I am sorry. That must have felt scary and upsetting for you.”
Understand their needs – Depending on your child’s age, you might ask your child about their feelings “Are you willing to share with me how it felt?” Listen and offer empathy.
Explore any unmet needs in your child or yourself ie. Does your child need more play? Do you need more self-care? Are you yearning for more cooperation? Do they need more time in nature? Less screens? More connection?
Explore some solutions together.
Reconnect and repair as soon as possible - for a child 6 and under it’s preferable to do within an hour or so. Ages 6-8 within a day. Ages 9 and older within a few days.
But with that said, it’s never too late to heal the divide. You can heal and repair anytime with your children, even when they’re adults.
If all of this feels overwhelming, start slow. Just take the one next step and reach out for support.
It's difficult to do this parenting journey alone. We no longer have the village of support that parents need for care, connection and community. If you’re noticing that your anger and rage feels overwhelming and you are stuck in a cycle of anger/rage then guilt/shame, take that one next right step. And reach out for support if you are ready to grow in motherhood.
SOFTENING YOUR ANGER WORKSHOP REPLAY
Purchase here for $30 : Softening your Anger workshop
This 2 hour workshop will help you to feel seen and less alone in one of the more taboo subjects in motherhood - anger, yelling and rage.
OVERVIEW
What is anger and rage
Generational patterns
Nervous system responses
Moving through emotional triggers
Building safety with anger
Self compassion
Daily practices - nervous system care, release and self compassion
Learning to repair the ruptures
MOTHERGROW - Year long motherhood support journey with a small group of likeminded mothers. 12 module course, connection circles, coaching circles, masterclasses and listening partnerships. JOIN THE WAITLIST HERE.