Bullying: A Guide for Parents

A practical guide for parents navigating bullying with empathy, advocacy, and nervous system wisdom

1. The Emotional Weight of Bullying

Bullying isn’t just teasing or conflict - it’s a repeated, targeted behaviour that undermines a child’s sense of safety, belonging and self-worth. The impacts are profound and can include:

• Anxiety and depression

• School refusal and somatic symptoms (e.g. headaches, stomach aches)

• Changes in personality, withdrawal or aggression

• Long-term impacts on self-esteem and mental health

• In some tragic cases, suicide

Many children suffer in silence due to stigma, shame or fear of retaliation. It’s not uncommon for bullying to go unreported or unresolved, especially when adults dismiss it as “kids being kids” or fail to act meaningfully.

2. Who is most at risk?

Children who are marginalised or who process the world differently are more likely to be targeted. This includes:

• Neurodivergent children (e.g. autistic, ADHD)

• Children who are BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, or gender non-conforming

• Kids with mental health struggles or sensory sensitivities

• Children who live in poverty or experience family trauma

These children often feel isolated and can internalise the belief that they are the problem.

3. Bullying at School: Why the system often fails?

While schools may offer bullying education programs or conduct investigations, these are often not enough. Many parents report:

• Minimisation of incidents

• A focus on conflict resolution rather than accountability

• A lack of trauma-informed or neurodiversity-informed approaches

• No consistent follow-up or relational repair

In workplaces, adults are protected from ongoing verbal abuse or harassment by legal frameworks and HR policies. Yet in schools, children often have no such protection beyond policy documents or a once-a-year awareness day.

4. What does the research say?

According to trauma and child psychology experts like Dr Mona Delahooke and Dr Stephen Porges chronic bullying places a child’s nervous system in a sustained state of threat or “survival mode”.

This state makes it impossible for a child to learn, connect, or feel safe. The brain is not wired for reasoning, planning or memory under distress. Instead of “coping”, children shut down, lash out, or appear defiant – all signs of a dysregulated nervous system, not bad behaviour.

5. Home as a place of co-regulation

You need to be your child’s safe harbour. Whether or not the school acts effectively, your role in providing emotional safety is crucial. You can:

• Validate their experience without minimising it

• Tell them you believe them and it’s not their fault

• Regulate yourself first, so you can co-regulate them (Reach out to me to learn this vital part - many parents don’t know how to regulate their emotions….YET!)

• Teach them words to name what’s happening

• Remind them: “You are not alone. This is not OK. I’m with you.”

6. Practical strategies for talking with your child

• Ask open-ended questions: “Is there anyone at school who makes you feel uncomfortable?”

• Reflect back feelings: “That sounds really hard. You didn’t deserve that.”

• Let them know they’re not ‘too sensitive’. Their feelings are valid.

• Help them name it: “That sounds like bullying. Let’s talk about what we can do.”

• Practice soothing tools together (breathing, movement, self-hug, sensory tools - sometimes modelling is better than teaching.)

7. Teaching children about bullying

Whether your child has experienced bullying or not, it’s important to regularly talk about it at home. This builds awareness, empathy and action.

• Define bullying: Explain what it is, and how it differs from teasing or arguments.

• Discuss different forms: Verbal, physical, relational (exclusion), and cyberbullying.

• Build empathy: Talk about why some children bully - often due to their own pain, insecurity or unmet needs.

• Empower action: Teach them what to do if they or someone else is targeted.

• Clarify support: Let them know you will always listen, believe and act. No judgement. No shame.

• Dive deeper into resources here - Kid Helpline article on bullying

8. Advocating for your child in school

You have rights as a parent. You are not “difficult” for asking for safety. Here’s how to speak up:

Know Your Rights

• Request a formal meeting with the teacher, wellbeing coordinator or principal.

• Ask to see the school’s bullying prevention policy and how it’s being applied.

• Request documentation of incidents and school response plans.

• If needed, escalate to the Department of Education or independent school board.

Talk With a Nervous System Lens

Borrowing language from trauma and neurobiology helps shift the conversation from blame to support:

• “My child is showing signs of distress and school is no longer feeling safe.”

• “This isn’t just behavioural. This is nervous system overwhelm.”

• “What sensory, relational or environmental supports can we put in place?”

• “Let’s work together to restore safety and co-regulation.”

Possible Scripts

• “I’m not here to blame anyone – I want to work with you to support my child.”

• “My child has the right to feel safe and protected at school. What steps are being taken?”

• “If this happened to a colleague in a workplace, it wouldn’t be tolerated. I expect the same standards here.”

9. When school isn’t Safe: Consider all options

In some situations, despite your best efforts, the school may not take adequate action or the environment may continue to cause your child distress.

It is OK to consider:

• Changing schools: Smaller schools, alternative models, or trauma-informed environments

• Temporary time off: A break while nervous system support is put in place

• Homeschooling or distance education: Especially when school refusal is present or anxiety is debilitating

As Michael Hempseed and Dame Sue Bagshaw write in Calming your Child , education cannot happen when a child is deeply anxious. The learning brain shuts down in survival mode. Wellbeing must come before academics.

A story from Michael’s work: A child was vomiting daily due to school stress. After switching to home education, the child flourished emotionally and academically.

10. Building empathy and connection

Ultimately, the solution to bullying lies not just in policy, but in connection and compassion.

• Teach kids to understand others’ feelings and struggles

• Create a culture of standing up for one another

• Model respectful conflict resolution and inclusion

• Validate big feelings instead of punishing them

We can’t force children to be kind, but we can help them feel safe enough to access their compassion.

Finally

Your child’s emotional safety matters. Bullying is never “just a part of growing up”. The damage can be deep and lasting – but with attuned connection, trauma-informed advocacy, and courage, healing is possible.

You are your child’s fiercest advocate and safest place to land. And if you are feeling underresourced emotionally, stressed, scared and angry, PLEASE GET SUPPORT for your emotional wellbeing. You can email me here for Parent Counselling and supports