Sibling Conflict: A Nervous System-Informed Guide for Parents
Sibling fighting can be loud, intense, and triggering. It’s often a normal part of learning boundaries, empathy, and emotional regulation — but that doesn’t make it easy to hold. Especially when you’re tired, touched out, or overstimulated.
Here’s a short guide to help you understand what’s happening beneath the surface — and how to respond with more calm and connection.
1. Sibling conflict is nervous system activation in action.
When kids argue, hit, or yell, they're not “being bad.” They’re in a stress response — often fight — trying to get their needs met, assert themselves, or protect something that matters to them.
From a nervous system lens, conflict is a sign that:
A child's stress response has been activated - they have left their thinking brain and moved into emotional or possibly a survival response (especially if hitting and attacking)
They don’t have access to regulation or perspective in that moment - you cannot reason or teach if they are dysregulated and in a stress response
They need a safe and regulated (enough) adult to help bring them back to safety - this is vital!
2. You’re the thermostat. Your presence sets the tone.
Your connected, grounded presence can help regulate the whole environment — but only if you’re not swept up in the storm yourself. You don’t need to be perfectly calm, gentle, patient or peaceful, but you DO need to have some access to some regulation energy. Present enough. Grounded enough.
Before you intervene, check in with your own body:
Pause – Even 3 seconds can help shift you from reactive to responsive
Exhale slowly – This signals safety to your nervous system
Orient to now – Look around your environment or out to the sky/trees/light outside for a moment to signal safety to your nervous system
Ground physically – Press your feet into the floor or touch something cold
Speak slowly and low – This soothes both your system and your child’s
Most of us don’t stay “calm” in these moments. Just staying connected to yourself can help you stay connected to your children. And this will take practice - trust you will grow over time.
3. Intervene with safety first, then support.
Once you feel a little more steady, move in without fear but firm steady presence:
Create physical safety: Separate bodies if needed. “I won’t let you hurt your brother.”
Name what’s happening: “That was a big hit. I’m here now. I’ll keep everyone safe.”
Or “Ouch… this looks hard. Looks like you need a minute / some support / adult help?”
Be the anchor: Use few words, low tone, and presence to help them downshift their fear response
Offer co-regulation: “You’re safe now. I’m right here. Let’s slow down together.”
If they are all dysregulated, you will likely need space, snacks, safety, sensory tools or some time.
Avoid trying to solve or teach right in the heat — wait until nervous systems have softened.
4. After the storm: repair, reflect, reconnect.
Once everyone’s more regulated (this might take some time, sometimes after a snack and drink):
Support repair: Not forced apologies, but genuine reconnection. “How can we help each other feel safe again?”
Or “Let’s see if we can figure this out so we can move past this hard moment”
Or “Let’s find some space or a solution so we can all get back to play/ fun/ joy”
Reflect gently: “It seemed like you were really upset when your sister took the toy. What did you need?”
Reinforce skills: “Next time, you can say, ‘Please stop’ or come get me.”
Maybe remind them of a time recently where they sorted out a problem by themselves. Then ask “do you need my help or can you sort this out yourselves” (this reminds them of their possibility to solve problems AND holding them in their goodness)
Acknowledge needs: Sibling fights often stem from unmet needs — attention, space, fairness, sensory overload, or hunger.
5. Some kids need more help — and more of you.
Some children are more reactive because their nervous system is more sensitive. This isn’t a discipline issue — it’s a nervous system capacity issue.
Children may be more easily dysregulated due to:
Temperament – naturally intense or persistent
Neurodivergence – like autism, ADHD, or sensory processing differences
Trauma or toxic stress – which primes the body to react quickly and strongly
For these children:
You’ll likely need to shadow more closely when you sense rising tension - especially under the age of 5-6 years but even older for some kids
Transitions, noise, and sharing can feel overwhelming and trigger big reactions
Aggression is often a sign of distress and too much frustration, not defiance
They may need more co-regulation, more prep, and less talking in heated moments
Your steady presence helps grow their capacity over time. They’re not “too much.” They’re showing you how much they need you.
6. When you feel like you’re losing it...
Conflict between your kids can activate your own nervous system, especially if you weren’t modeled healthy conflict as a child. It might bring up:
Feelings of powerlessness or failure
Overwhelm from sensory overload
Rage or the urge to control, fix, or flee
Try these in-the-moment self-regulation tools:
Anchor in your body: Wiggle your toes, press your palms together
Exhale for twice as long as your inhale: Try 4 in / 8 out
Place your hand over your heart and whisper, “This is hard, and I’m doing my best.”
Notice your feet on the ground and the support beneath you
Shake it out: Move your hands or body to release tension
Regulation is a practice, not a performance. Show up messy and trying — that’s enough.
7. You’re not alone. You’re not failing.
Sibling conflict doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It means your kids are learning to be human — and that takes time, patience, and lots of support.
Your job isn’t to prevent all conflict — it’s to guide, protect, and co-regulate through it.
Every time you stay present, model repair, and hold the boundaries with love, you’re wiring something powerful in their brains.
Even when it’s loud and wild and hard — connection is still possible.